Are Arranged Marriages The Way Forward?

My new article has been published with Live Mag UK which I am really excited about, it involves me writing about how arranged marriages were back in the day within Indian culture and how they have changed over time and might not be such a bad option.

Here I present ' Are Arranged Marriages The Way Forward?':

In many cultures arranged marriage is still widely practiced, for many it is just another form of matchmaking, Juggy explains why it may not be as bad as it seems.

Wherever you are in the world, it’s hard to meet people. The saying: “when it’s meant to be, it’ll happen” is probably the most frustrating because whilst it’s true, you do have to make yourself available and put yourself out there for something to happen, whether that’s going to a club, or getting an online dating profile.

 

There is another way to find that special someone, though; Matchmaking, which in the Indian world we call arranged marriage…

When my parents got together, arranged marriages were how it was done. Two families would meet and the individuals would chat and take a look at each other, then say yes or no. Most of the time, they would say yes. The pressure to settle down from the rest of the family was immense, and whether the couple were even allowed to date in the run to their nuptials was the families’ decision. Sometimes, the couples had no say at all. Blind date marriages saw the families agree to a wedding without the prospective bride and groom meeting until the wedding day.

These methods may seem extreme but it was normal to my parents’ generation. People believed marrying their son or daughter into another respected family of the same religion and caste would give them a prosperous life, while keeping the family name respectable. It can work. My parents only met once before they got married and have been together for 32 years, but plenty of old school marriages are tarred by unhappiness.

“Young Indian adults cannot openly date so once your parents know you are in a relationship, it is more or less a countdown until an engagement.”

For many couples, it’s about hard graft. They make the relationship work because they have no other option. They can’t just give up, divorce and find someone new. The harsh nature of arranged marriages in the past has given them negative connotations today. However, they have changed with time from a contract to an introduction.

Today, if you are unlucky in love, turning to your family could potentially be the way forward. As soon as the parents get the go ahead they will be on the phone to every aunt, uncle, grandma and distant friend to see if they know of any potential suitors. Then either photos are exchanged or numbers are swapped and the ball is in the potential couples court. Some old school families will arrange meetings straight away, which might seem extreme but can work.

There are still pressures, though. Young Indian adults cannot openly date so once your parents know you are in a relationship, it is more or less a countdown until an engagement.

And what if you – or they – say no? If you have dated for a while and ended on bad terms it could reflect badly on the people that made the introduction.

So what about the positives? If anyone is going to find you a good match it is the people that have raised you and know the ins and outs of your personality. You also get a background check on your future Mr or Mrs, including their family, career, financial situation and living arrangements; all important when you are going to spend the rest of your life with the person.

And does it really matter if you love them? I spoke to a friend recently who is in a long distance relationship and is finding it tough. Their parents do not know of the union yet and with this anticipation of revealing the truth and the stress of being so far away from each other, they stated: “life would be so much easier if love didn’t come into it.” It’s true. No broken hearts over lost first loves. No drama over unfaithfulness. No falling for the wrong person.

Of course, although even though life would be a lot less hassle if love was not involved, it wouldn’t be half as interesting and fun. That feeling of excitement of knowing you are getting involved with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and that pain of your first break up is needed for the roller coaster that is life.

For me having an arranged marriage is another option. It’s like a matchmaking and undercover detective service rolled into one, but only to those who are ready for marriage or at least see it in their near future.

Personally I am not ready. People take their time nowadays; gone are the days of getting married young. It is all about getting a career, having some money in the bank and enjoying life. Getting the partying and mistakes out the way, seeing the world and having stories and experience to share. Things my parents’ generation didn’t get the chance to do. Our generation is changing this. We’re learning from them what not to do and how to make the most of life and the opportunities that surround us.

Photos: Kam Dhiman Photography

Is London Overrated?

I am now officially living the London life, commuting in from the country side to the big smoke (or is it the city of lights). The commute is tiring but i strangely don't mind it, it is weird I have been after a job in central for so long, literally since I went to university their has been this taste to live this high life, I had this idea that it would be a place to network, meet people, have some wild nights out, find the girl of my dreams. Ok while I admit maybe I expected too much it has not lived up to my expectations yet, I have some good nights out, met some cool people that if I'm honest I probably would not have been friends with or interacted with had it not been for this job, so that is a plus point.

However still nothing has set my world a light, maybe it is down to money I mean does life revolve around money, yes it doesn't buy you happiness but it sure can help. I mean you step outside the door and you need more money for wherever you go even if you are going somewhere just to chill, you more then likely need petrol money to get their. So been thinking I need to do something extra on the side of my job to be able to afford a decent social life (I mean I have been harping on about not having a love life but tbh I don't think I could afford a girlfriend).

Or it really could be down to me not putting myself out their and going for the opportunities, life is what you make it after all I can't just sit around and expect stuff to happen. London is still a city where I can progress my career better then if I got a job in my hometown but it is overrated. There are certain buildings that give you a wow moment but for every nice place you turn the corner and it is let's just say not the most visually blessed street. The night life is good but expensive (I make the most of happy hour) and as for the people everyone just stick to their own, I suppose maybe because I commute I don't get experience real London as always have to get the last train home (the joys of commuting).

Sometimes Life Just Takes Over...

In life have you noticed how when you wish for something it all comes at once and never in small doses so you can take in every bit. Not that I am complaining as I was craving an adventure, some life events took place in the last six weeks that really opened my eyes to life.

Firstly I was best man at my cousins wedding - which means nearly two weeks of drinking, dancing to bhangra, family time, some unwanted bonding with distant relatives, getting dressed up and making sure the groom don't do a runner. It was really was an eventful couples of weeks and Indian Sikh weddings are always a real occasion, as amongst all the parties we have some really fun traditions and religious elements that make me proud to be Indian and Sikh. You feel a part of something and an event like that highlights how family and more so friends (as some family are just plain difficult) nowadays can really make your day.


The day after the wedding I started my new job (with a hangover may I add) and it is going steady but ok. It is a brilliant company and the magazine industry is a step in the right direction. I have been living London life a bit, dinners, drinks, events so the social side is good (it is a mission getting home though as I am one of them commuters that never gets a seat on the train - the joys of the underground). So the job has perks but sales is hard - I will keep plugging away till I get that dream job (which I am still figuring out what that would be :/ ).


Then my sister had a baby and wow like obviously I was happy who wouldn't be, I was a mamma (uncle) for the first time but when I saw my beautiful niece I just started crying (ok not crying more watery eyes) and out of my family I'm the least open with my feelings, so it was surprise. It is amazing how one little baby can captivate grown adults into silence, it really was a moment when life just stopped in appreciation.


Lastly I had another wedding to attend on the weekend and when your single and in your twenties you are in danger of being set up, as a wedding turns more into a matchmaking event but I didn't mind so much this time. Maybe because I am ready, not for marriage but just for that next step and I saw a few girls I thought ok yeah I would like to get know you. But here comes the problem, do I start the dating process through my parents and say yeah I liked the hot girl in the blue suit, it is a risky route that comes with pressure and probably an engagement by xmas (bear in mind you cannot chat to a girl at a wedding that is not related without someone clocking and I don't know her name so cant use social media) so if I want to get the know the girl it seems like the only way at the moment. Only time will tell if this will develop into an arranged marriage... but I am enjoying being busy for once, its what a twenty something should be doing, being busy making a life.

Got The Job... Oh Yeah!!!

Months (actually not even months years more like) it has been of me trying to get a job in London and finally I have managed to do it and with a good company and in a good location as well. It feels good to have kept at it and preserved but after trying for so long, the countless interviews, the money used to get to these interviews, I still only managed to get a job in sales. Now don't get me wrong I am good at sales and it could potentially earn me a lot of money... But a part of me feels like it is a bit of an anti climax.

You wait so long, put a lot of effort in, go through the crapy jobs before you are supposed to get the main job and still your not on the path you want to be. Maybe that is because I'm not 100% sure of what i want to get into ( I mean writing is the front runner but you can never be sure until you put it into practice). But also I'm only 24 so I should take this opportunity with both hands and run with it (I am on a roll with these inspirational quotes) I mean I am based in the heart of London where their are so many chances to network and progress (also a good social life as well, time to party and get that adventure).

I suppose I am still on that journey and search for the ultimate goal but I am certainly well on my way  ... Also my view from the roof top bar is definitely a unique selling point (sales jargon used right there) ;)

Dating As A Sikh In The 21st Century...

Happy days all my hard work has paid off and my biggest article to date was published in Live Mag UK (whey). They are an online media platform that helps young creative talent (oh yeah I am talented well kind of) find a voice to air their work. I have been writing a lot lately but this topic was close to my heart as it is about dating, religion, caste and tradition so it had a lot scope. It turned out to be a interesting read judging from the feedback so far.

Here I present to you 'Dating As A Sikh In The 21st Century' enjoy...

As a young Sikh, dating in the modern age can be tricky when you come from a family of traditional values. How do you uphold your cultural beliefs and try to date at the same time?

I am a 24-year-old Indian lad who was born into a Sikh household. Now, I admit I am not particularly strict, (especially as I eat meat and drink alcohol) but I do follow a lot of the traditions upheld with Sikhism. One thing that comes with the religion is dating. Not just the pressure of dating, but the pressure to date someone who is the same religion and caste as you. In Indian culture we do have a hierarchal caste system, which is still prominent to this day, and while it’s true that there are Indian families who adopt a modern view on dating, my family fall into the old school category …which is where, for me, modern dating gets complicated.

As my parents adopt this old school mentality, they want me to find a girl not only in the same religion but also from the same caste. My mum’s take on the matter is, “Yes, I do want my kids to marry into the same religion and caste, as I want my grandchildren to have the same values and same traditions we have”. This is a fair point because I do believe if I dated a girl of the same caste and religion, then our values would be inherited down to the next generation, ensuring our beliefs didn’t get lost. This would also result in there being no culture clash that could occur if I was to date someone of a different race or religion and any future child having to grow up with two conflicting view points.

On the other hand, I have struggled with this in the past, due to me having been brought up in a diverse, multi-racial country where Indian people are a minority. The infamous Tinder is a good example. I’m on it and most of the people there are any other race apart from Indian. Also, if I don’t follow my religion to the book, why should I have to marry someone from it? It should be about someone’s personality and the chemistry you have with them.

In the world of a British Indian we are closed books when it comes to dating. Unless we are ready to take the next step of marriage, we usually have to be discreet about our relationships, due to the pressures that will come from our elders. Indian culture is based on respect, and girls especially, get it harder as they hold the honour for the family. As my sister says:

“Girls do get it harder with dating as if I mess up it will look bad on my family. Only now that I am happily married do I understand why my parents were so keen on me marrying a Sikh. Everything just clicked into place, he got me like no one else could”.

She found someone through my parents, so you could label it an ‘arranged marriage’, which has many negative connotations around it. But honestly, these days it’s not like it use to be where you only could see your future partner once or twice before you gave a yes or no to marriage. Nowadays, it’s more of a dating pool approved by your family. My parents have modernised a bit and would want to me to date before I committed any further but saying that, the pressure is still there to move faster rather then slower.

“If you can be good friends with someone of a different caste why can’t I have a successful relationship with someone of a different caste as well?”

Another option is dating sites, where a couple (like Shaadi) even go as far as segregating the search into different castes as opposed to other dating sites giving the option of race. Sikhs have divided into castes from birth, which relate to which jobs we did in India back in the day. And while caste issues still exist in dating culture, thankfully, they are slowly dying out. However, one key point to note is that caste discrimination and Sikhism are not hand in hand and are actually two separate entities which just makes the whole thing even more frustrating.

Me and a friend often have discussions about caste. He is a Tharkhan and I am a Jatt, and traditionally, my caste is seen as a higher. Despite that, we have a great friendship, which begs the question, if you can be good friends with someone of a different caste why can’t I have a successful relationship with someone of a different caste as well? My friend has an interesting opinion on the matter:

“My mum would prefer if I got married to a Sikh, and I would want to marry a Sikh but I don’t care what caste. My reasoning is that Sikhism is one of the smallest worldwide communities as it is and I don’t actually see any difference in, culture, morals or traditions between castes like Jatt and Tharkan apart from a few side trends like accent or style of phag (turban) but that’s like my mum banning me from marrying a girl because she has a Mancunian accent and her dad wears collars up.”

He makes a good point. But, he does also highlight that perhaps you can’t change an old school way of thinking and it may take a lot of time and effort to change that.

As time goes on, my parents will surely become more open and accepting of new age dating, but will no doubt be set in their ways and I wouldn’t change them for the world. For me, I would want to marry someone who is of the same caste and religion as it makes for an easier life but also because I don’t want my culture to die out. But saying that, if I did unexpectedly find The One then I may have to consider something different. Only time will tell…

In Hindsight...

The famous words IN HINDSIGHT have been a common occurrence in my household recently mainly used by myself. They are the words people utter when they asses a situation and it suddenly hits you shit I wish I done it that way or I wish I hadn't done or said that at all.


My big why/what/when/really (basically in hindsight) moments are as follows:


1. My degree - I have done English and Film/Television and graduated with a 2:2, first of all I really should of studied more and partied less (I forgot about the work hard bit and just played hard)I should of got a 2:1 as it would of helped with my current job situation (nice way of saying unemployed). Secondly the degree is good if you want to be a teacher but not if you want to get into media as you have to just start from the bottom and work experience counts for more. So maybe if I did do another degree I would be in a job right now that had opportunities and decent pay.

2. Turned down - There have been many occasions during my twenties where I have turned down some jobs either because of either location/laziness/being set on a specific career or just me generally snobby thinking because I got a degree, I could do better. Also some opportunities for just an adventure where I could of went but haven't for various reasons (mainly money) and then heard it was a amazing weekend/trip/night out (my inner fomo [fear of missing out]rearing its ugly head). In your twenties if you can do it, go for it and most times I could of scrounged together some funds and lived but instead overthought every situation.

3. Give things a chance - Some girls I have dated in the past I have always thought after why didn't I try harder or date them for a bit longer. I have a type and if a girl is lacking in banter or we don't connect or they are not the same religion or caste (so Sikh and Jatt) I cut it off before I get in too deep. Looks are important as well and every guy wants a stunner lets be honest but I aint no Brad Pitt more Jonah Hill (he is still a legend in his own right)so even though I am aware of that fact,I can't help but dream big. If I did maybe I would have loved and lost by now but instead I get too cautious. Sometimes I wish I did approach girls and tried to crack on with them but (there it is again the but) haven't out of fear of rejection or just not knowing how to.

However I genuinely don't regret any path,decision or situation I have chosen (yes no regrets by Dappy is going through my head as I write this), I know a lot people must think after all my rambling he must regret it but that is not the case, as at the time it felt right for me and my life. Yes in reflection sometimes I think what could of been or damn i would be better off right now but I also wouldn't be the guy I am today without going through every awkward encounter, dodgy situation and stupid decision as you learn and grow from it (wow I really didn't mean for that to come as cheesy and motivational as it has apologies but it kinda works enjoy)